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Sunday, September 09, 2007

I hate you, dont leave me.

Recently I've been reading a book called 'I Hate You, Don't Leave Me'. It portrays the lives of people who suffer from Borderline Personality. It talks of these people having a shaky sense of identity, violent outbursts, intense depression, and an irrational fear of abandonement amongst things. Well, much to my dismay, I could relate. But, in a sense, there was relief. I now could understand why I had these feelings, and I now had the power to change them. To be honest, the behaviors are not full blown, thankfully, but I believe they were learned generationally, and then augmented by my father's illness and death when I was a child. Trust me, it's been no easy road, and my ability to have and nurture close relationships still suffer. I can still feel so alone, in a roomful of friends and family...wanting to reach out, fearing vulnerability; not knowing how to reach out, the feelings are there, but the fear of rejection and abandonement quenches them; or worse, perhaps, in the fact that I reach out, connect, then pull back.

The thought of sharing this was a difficult choice for me, obviously for the vulnerablity of it. I share this only because the truth does set you free. We all have our pasts/past experiences that have formed us and affected us, and I believe it helps others to know that they're not alone in the struggle. Some good days, some bad....we all know that. I give my thanks to God, my husband, children and a few close friends/family who are only a phone call or a blog post away...who have extended their kindness, love and loyalty of friendship to me!
Blessings to you all!!!

For those who have similiar situations or experiences, I welcome your discussion. Let us share in tomorrow's sun rise!!

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

umm..
husband?
FNL

Talking Bear said...

Yes, husband. Ar Muin Capaill is one of the SBH writers and she posted this last week. I have been looking for writers to help contribute to this blog. It gets to boring and one sided to just have on writer. I am looking for a more diverse set of view points.

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