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Saturday, December 12, 2009

Change through loss

When death comes, and it will come, how will we view the "ripples" it brings to our lives? The initial loss is often unbearable and very emotional. Looking ahead seems impossible for many of us, me included. But when I look back at my fathers death I can clearly see the effects of his loss on my family. I can see that his passing has brought positive change to many relationships within my family.

For me, this does come with a certain level of surprise. Dad was never really involved with us, his children. My brother and I lived our lives, accomplished what we have based on negative comments made to us. We even parented our children based on our fathers limited role in our lives. Sometimes we made the exact same mistakes he did!

Now that a year has passed, I have taken time to reflect the impact the loss of his life has made on me and my siblings. I take pause here, to formulate a small list of those perceived changes. I do this here on my blog to share a journey. A journey that encompasses many emotions and much mystery. maybe some of my readers have experienced the same journey, or are about to.

The first and most significant change for me and my siblings was the complete defining of what is important and what is bullshit! Many of our "issues" with our father seemed to fall off into the abyss of bullshit as we witnessed Dad's last moments here on earth. I am talking about issues that had fostered so much hate that our family was truly removed from each other and our individual lives were spent facing away form the family as a unit. We choose to hold onto hurt, pain and rejection all to well. All of these issues disappeared as we matured through our father dying. This was not an easy process. We had learned how to live this way, we learned how to make our choices based on these beliefs that were not based on any form of love. Coming to the realizations that these issues were based of false beliefs was very unsettling for me. Dad cared and loved us, but he did not know how to show it whatsoever. This journey has lead us into much stronger relationships with our own children. We learned to value what is important NOW. To cherish love through disappointment and rejection. To hold onto each other as if it is our last moment together. This is quit possible the biggest and most valuable lesson our father taught us, and it came in the last moments of his life.

Through his loss came this realization that family really does matter. That we really do care about each other, and that a life time of bullshit can be washed away in a moment. We have started down a path to become what Dad dreamed of, but never knew how to get there. Ironically, he showed us the place to start, forgiveness for the trespasses real or imagined.



Endlessly restless said...

TB thanks for sharing in such an open way.

I had a different relationship with my Dad - who died recently. We were always close and he always encouraged me in everything that I did. But still, I'm noticing that there are already changes in our family relationships, drawing us closer, helping us to express more clearly how we feel.

It really is true that life is too short... unfortunately we're often too late to reach this conclusion!

Talking Bear said...

Well Stated!

Shelly Rayedeane said...

It is truly a sad story. I knew someone who manipulated people to get ahead in life and then ended up dying when they traveled from the UK to the United States. I was sad to see them go but perhaps if they would have realized the deceit in their own heart maybe they wouldn't have been taken out of this world so soon.

I think it had something to do with deceit and the laws of attraction . So sad really how some people only learn to tell the truth after it's far too late.

Shelly Rayedeane said...
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